


In Some Mysterious Way Their Lives Had Been His Own

by thegirlwiththemouseyhair



Category: Velvet Goldmine
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 17:25:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1274833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwiththemouseyhair/pseuds/thegirlwiththemouseyhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“There were times when it appeared to Dorian Gray that the whole of history was merely the record of his own life, not as he had lived it in act and circumstance, but as his imagination had created it for him, as it had been in his brain and in his passions…”</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Some Mysterious Way Their Lives Had Been His Own

 Arthur stared down at his drawing, or out the window, or at his ragged bitten thumbnail. The drawing was rubbish. It was stupid and cartoonish; he blushed just to look at it and to think of how utterly incapable he was of capturing the beauty of Brian Slade – the man he _loved_.

 Loved, lusted after. Envied, too. He was sure there would never again be anyone as extraordinary as Brian Slade or Curt Wild. Sometimes it seemed ridiculous how much he _thought_ about them, how many times their names ran through his mind.

Of course he kept his love very quiet. Some of the other kids seemed like they might share his interests, but he never knew what to say to them, and he was scared that they might figure him out if he did say anything. Maybe they’d be all right with the way he was, but they might not. And if his dad or his brother found out it was all over for him…

He slipped the drawing between two pages of class notes, sick of seeing it. For the hundredth time that day, the thought of the real Brian Slade sprang into his brain. He saw in his mind’s eye Brian’s face and body and imagined the things he said – things he _did_ – with Curt, imagined doing the same with either one of them…

Arthur dropped his head lower and blushed even deeper.

But he wasn’t shy like that inside. In his daydreams, when he sat alone in his parents’ house with the record player on, he could pretend that his life was as marvelous and as sensual as Brian’s or Curt’s. He could be himself – tell it like it was – and think or wear whatever he wanted, fuck whoever he wanted, without having to be _afraid_ all the time.

Sometimes, when he listened to music, he almost believed that he would live like that someday. That splendid, shining life was within his reach…

Maybe. If only he could get over himself, or get out from under his dad’s thumb, or listen to these songs until he bloody learned something from them.

Arthur turned back to the window. A little pang of envy rose in him, tightening his chest and making him worry at his lower lip. He could see a few kids from the year above him traipsing across the yard, skiving off. The makeup they wore – even the one lovely boy in the group – sparkled in the spring sunlight. They were tripping over platform shoes and laughing at each other.

If he weren’t so pathetic, he could have been with them. But it was far easier – far less terrifying – to go to his friends in the record store and wrap himself up in their music when he got home.

**Author's Note:**

> I was always fascinated by the scene of teenage Arthur in school, and by the way Todd Haynes re-appropriates that passage from Dorian Gray in that scene. I've tried to get at that theme of living vicariously through the people or things that we are fans of. 
> 
> The title, naturally, comes from The Picture of Dorian Gray as re-appropriated in Velvet Goldmine. Also, many thanks to my beta reader, gonergone.


End file.
